Our lives are defined by a series of moments...

Shuffffffffffllllee

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:14:32 GMT

- says she wants my loving all night; when she get it she'll be alright. She calls me on the phone and says shes home laone, she wants me to come over and make her house a home. i gave it to her once and i like how she responds and now i'm in troubllee. - DM

- all or nothing babe its you and i. i know i'm good for something so lets ust give it a try. we've got our backs against the ocean, its just us against the world. looking at all or nothing, babe its you and i.

- forever always seems to be around when things begin but forever never seems to be around when things end. - bh

-

secrets are my emise

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 15:24:21 GMT

so here we go again with your mixed signals and my second thoughts. I want to love you and be in your arms and feel your skin next time and its this huge secret. at least to me it is. at least to the minds eye it is. and i'm trying to work out this song and dance and put all the pieces of this puzzle together t make you understand... to make you see. somethings aren't always so easy for me. i'm afraid of the pain but love you none the less. this is going to get the best of my just yet. so i'll be patien and i'll sit back and think... and pray there will be some way ... i need for you to see what i feel and i need you to understand yet still.

another world

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 17:14:39 GMT

and today... or perhaps this whole past week has been one of those times when i just want to get lost in a good book. i just want to pick up a book and read and read and read and never surface for air because thats how i can escape. i can escape from my life by reading. i can get out of this vicious cycle but getting lost in a book... and i need that. i want that right now. i just wish for a week i could lock myself in my room with miles and miles and piles of good books. and then when i was ready to reappear into the world i would be ready. i would be armed with stories of good things, quotes of topics that appeased my life... thoughts that at least i could escape too when nothing seems to be going quite right.

and recently nothing does seem to be going quite right. for awhile i was floating through this almost fairy tale land. everything was perfect. family, friends, i had the perfect relationship and just like that it feels like my whole world was ripped out from under my feet. everything, all the plans i had for this upcoming year... every wish, every thought every emotion gone, or twisted, or confused.

and then its all this surreal perfection. this beautiful disaster. where everything is exactly wher eit all needs to be but nothing is where you ever wanted it to end. and its over. and its good..

I can't unthink about your smile...

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 03:37:39 GMT

its hard to let go of something so great when there isn't any real reason for letting go besides the time isn't right. because the timing just isn't right. between leaving and age and distance its just not good. sure we could make it work for another year but after that... i'm not going to hold you down or hold you back. and you know if you're the one for me, if you're it for me. then i know in the end you'll come back. it will work out how it is spposed to. and sometimes we have to make really hard decisions, sometimes we have to do things we dont like and things that will hurt because they are for the best.

i've met someone else. he's sweet. its fun and casual. nothing serious. i dont want him to think i'm leaving him for another guy because honestly thats not the case at all. its just he's made me realize some things. alot of things. and he seems perfect, a little to perfect.

he makes me feel like a little kid again. He makes me smile and laugh and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. i love being around him and its crazy because i haven't event known him that long and i feel so comfortable. its so easy to be there and be myself. i could stay up all night just talking to him and hearing his voice. watch the sunrise. we are so different but yet so the same. and maybe this is it. i said i've been searching. but no thats crazy.

So are we playing for keeps ...

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 04:49:11 GMT

Tonight as I assume the position I usually assume when I am about to write on my computer (propped up in my bed) and look into the big vanity mirror that sits in front of me I wonder what I am really going to write about. I have alot going on my life right now it seems. Actually just one HUGE problem, or I guess not even a problem and decision... a cross roads. That is what I'll call it. I have come to a fork in the road.

everything started out so casually. It was easy, it was fun. there was no jealousy, there was no arguements. I didn't feel like i had to be tehre and you didn't either. And then suddenly... its serious. i dont know what happened? im not sure when it became serious. but i blinked and the next thing I know things are so different, much more so than i expected. And it seems as though i cant place all that am into that sitution, is that a sign? or do we as people read way to much into signs, take things as signs that really aren't - just looking for a way out. It is a terrible feeling to know that you aren't happy in the situation that you are in but to wonder if you would be an idiot to mess it up... and looking back on what i just wrote i realize that if i'm not happy then no it wouldn't be ridiculous to get ou of the situation. Maybe it will get better whn i get back to school... but then again perhaps i'm just caoxing myself into believing what would be easy

i dont want to feel like i can't go out and have a good time, i'm tired of feeling like i have someone to answer to - i should only have to answer to myself at this stage in the game. i can't stand that "perfect" that comfortable feeling. i need passion, desire, some kind of fire... some kind of rage and tears and laughs. rage that makes me scream my lungs out, tears that make my eyes burn, and laughs... laughs that make the bottom of my stomach ache... I need something that makes my heart ache in a good way. Is that ridiculous? no

i believe some people are destined to be in love with the average. some people are destined to believe that they have reached their climax in life and this is where they belong. and then there are those who are not satisfied until they KNOW they have found it. and maybe it is not now... perhaps it is years from now. no matter what or where or who it is... it will happen when it is meant to. perhaps that means that right now it is time for me to let you go... to experience life for myself and make some deicions, make some mistakes... to live. to live my life, i only have one. and not be in the comfortable, but to struggle and fight and have everything my heart every desired. that is what i need. i dont want it all to be handed to me on a silver platter... and you make things way to easy. and i'm over it.

"they all think that she's in love with him.
what they dont know is she's crazy about somebody else"

jigsaw puzzles and i fall to pieces.

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 16:13:59 GMT

"and if you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you may find you're missing all the rest"

do i really believe this? as the days have come to pass i think so, more and more... people say when yo uhave a good thing, hold on to it. but what if holding on to that good thing prevents you from experiencing everything else... and will you regret leaving the good thing to search the world? but would you regret it more if you stayed there and didn't get to experience life... they say that nothing lasts...aand i mean who made the rule that all the best loves do? i dont know... as Javan said "its not so much as matter of meeting the right person as it is meeting them at the right time" i'm 19... do i really want to make that commitment to someone for a long period of time... and then find it al wasted because i feel like i missed so much. he told me from the beginning he didn't want to feel like he was keeping me from experiencing college... and i'm kind of stuck between a rock adn a hard place. i really dont want him to be right. i want this to work. i wat it to be us. but i mean at the same time i want to live... i want to go out and party and not have to worry about who i have to call or if he is gonig t obe mad if someone shows up that he doesn't approve of. i want to be able to go out with my girlfriends even if other guys are going to be there. its so hard... and this summer has been a pain in the ass. all i know is that i made a promise to him. i told him 'baby i'd put myself out before i burned you' and thats teh truth. i dont want to hurt him by doing something stupid so if i get to the point where ijust can't hold out anymore we will have to talk. but i dont want to do that... because soon he is going to be leaving anyway. and going far away. and then we wont be able to be together anyway. so i mean whats the point... its kind of like we got into this relatinship knowing that it was going to end. and people ask what the point is. th epoint is the experience. the experience of a lifetime that i never would have found otherwise. and who knows maybe the love of my life.

Todays Women

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 16:12:07 GMT

it amazes me that has much as todays woman still strives for eqaultity in the work force, politically, and in most everything else that we choose to take the back seat when it comes to relationships. this one thing alone bothers me more than anything else. I am not a feminist and will not claim to be, i think that in itself is a ridiculous philosphy that makes women seem more incompetent and cynical than ever before. however, why is it that we push for the highest job opportunities. we struggle with equal opportunities in sports and coverage. but when it comes down to our personal lives we choose to take the back seat?

Women everywhere please stand up! Confidence is the key to a great life, after all shouldn't we all be the main characters of each of our life books? I think so. Womens greatest downfall to point is confidence. Let me tell you this, if you have confidence in yourself other people will have confidence in you. Take control of your own life.

Take control in your relationships. So many times i hear girls say 'I am looking for someone that completes me.' Girl, someone who completes you? You should complete yourself. before you can find anyone who will appreciate who you are you have to learn to love yourself. You are a strong independent woman, capable of achieving great things in life. Any guy would be lucky to call you his. Stop looking for someone to complete you. Look for someone that compliments you. When you begin to believe in yourself and find the man that compliments you it is an eternal happiness. Now dont get me wrong, i'm not saying that you wont argue or have dissagreements or even that he will be the one - but the fact of the matter is now you have some say in how your life goes. To many times i see females take the backseat when it comes to arguements and just agree with the man in their life because they dont want to lose him. If he is a true man he will respect your decisions and agree to talk it out with you. He should love and respect the beautiful and intelligent woman that you are.

Take control in your sex life. I dont mean all dominatrix style, i mean sure that does it for some people. but subtle hitns about what you want and dont want in the bedroom with surely turn him on. Tired of the same old smissionary position? let him know... better yet take him by suprise. Next time you are meeting him get tehre a little ahead of time and plan an ambush. He will appreciate the fact that you are excited by sex and you will feel better about this new empowerment in the bedroom. Assume the position that women over years have forgotten is rightfully theirs, on top!

Just remember there is a very thin line between cocky and confident, bitchy and opinionated. Conversationalistic (thats not even a word but you get my drift) qualities will make you a better partner, friend, and individual in the long run. I dont mean to preach but girls get a grip on your life. We are more than just see thru underwear and make up when it comes to relationships.

I am woman hear me roar!!

(ahahhaha i crack myself up)

My life is like my closet.

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 05:00:50 GMT

life, i have decided is like my closet. Millions of things to choose from, thousands of decisions that will affect the rest of my day and (depending on if i choose the wrong skirt) the rest of my life. I dont know about the rest of you but when i wake up in the morning and i'm in the shower usually i mentally go through my wardrobe trying to decide what to wear that day. trying, unsucessfully, to cut minutes out of my usual get ready time but not trying on twenty different outfits. Oh yes, my life... or my closet, does trick me sometimes... There is always that day or two a week when I have the "perfect" outfit picked out and then i put it on and am undoubtly depressed. Something just doesn't fit right or it didn't quite go the way i imagined it in my mind.

I can see it now, big date - white and black cocktail dress, red jewlery, red flats... perfect. and you know what i go and do? dye my hair. split second decision, decided my roots were to bad and i couldn't deal so i go and dye it brown. it looks FABULOUS. guess what? doesn't go with the dress. nope, suddenly that dress doesn't look quite as good on me as i imagined. hmm. can that split second decision really have that big of an impact on my whole outfit, my whole demeanor, my whole night? apparently so. who knows maybe i can pull it off... maybe what i need is some red pumps instead of red flats, give it a little ooppphhhm to go with my new hair color - you know a alittle vava voom. search me!

and guys ... guys are like shoes. yep guys are definately like shoes. Its like I see this perfect shoe. Perfect style, perfect height, perfect color, design... the whole nine yards and what do you think happens? yep you guessed it - not in my size. He's the perfect shoes just not in my size. fabulous. I mean i know thats happened oto every girl out there. We find him right. He's great, the family loves him, he's succesful, good in bed, good out of bed, makes us feel soooo damn good about ourselves... but something just isn't there. Something just doesn't quite, well, "click". So we try to squueeezeee our big foot into that little shoe. you know maybe just some convincing after all that shoe really isn't THAT tight when you think about it - they do say that pain is beauty after all. and I mean i can stand up in them... maybe not for too long but you know they look soooo good with my new jeans.. and OMG is that MY ASS in THOSE JEANS ... i swear it hasn't ever looked like good. and we rationalize and rationalize and it finally comes down to two things. we either inevitably buy the shoe and never wear it because i mean damn, who wants to wear a shoe that doesn't fit. regretable. or we leave the shoe in the store - wondering what might have been but off in search of a shoe that WILL fit. and will fit perfectly.

but what i have learned is that no matter how many clothes have piled up on my bed or how many outfits i've gone through ... something always inevitably pops up. whether its that tank top i forgot i had that looks oh soo gooood with that new jeans skirt i just bought. or my friends - (you know, that CUTE black sparkly necklace and earrings I just bought) that know just how to spruce up that outfit i didn't think would ever work. Things always work out in the end, right before its time to leave, right when my date gets here, or right when i think that nothing could make things any better.

"I guess in life sometimes we have to pay the hand we are dealt, and accesorize the outfit we have" - sex in the city.

Sooner or Later

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 21:23:41 GMT

Im not sure how you ever really know if this is "it". I mean one person ... you might think you are happy with them but then what happens if you just haven't found what makes you really happy. I mean think about it... when do you know?/ and do we as people try to convince ourselves that we have found "it"? and can you truly convince yourself into something that isn't true. to appease others or because they look good one paper ... or because they are the type of person you think you should be with... i just dont know.

they all think she loves him but what they dont know is shes crazy about someone else. and what are you supposed to do when something like this happens... and when did things get so serious? when did everything fall into place... because i'm not even sure that i'd miss you if you left, i'm not even sure i'd miss you. and how terrible is that? and i dont even understand when everything to such a turn... a turn for the worst? a turn for the best? what do i do for you? i need that question answered. you dont even know what you love about me. do you love anything about me or do you just love the notion of who i am and what i have to offer? i'm not really sure, i'm not really sure that you even know who i am.... or if i know who i am.

your kisses make me melt underneath your fingertips. i swear i can feel every last one in the very tips of my toes... it makes me shiver just to think about it

and who is to say what love is or what form it comes in? or whether kisses should make you tingle or if you should feel anything at all. who dictates how i should feel or what form that feeling comes in but me? who can say what matters and what doesn't?

"I must live before I die"

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 03:51:41 GMT

It is amazing to me how huge of an impact faith can have on an individial. Faith, an opinion, believing in something you can not see. Faith... has such a huge impoact on the whole world. Whether it is faith in a religion, or faith in oneself, or faith in something else. everybody has faith in something. I guess that is because in the end, when it comes, you really only have one thing. Faith.

life, or something like it....

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 20:35:07 GMT

and here i sit. pondering one of the great questions in life. at night when you lay down in bed if you are happy what else truly matters? happiness seems to be one of the most evasive emotions in the history of well, ever. The big four theory thats what i think. life consists of four main things. health, money, career, and love. if you dont have any of these i have good news. the only place you can go from here is up. if you have only one i wish it is health. if you have 3 out of four then your life is feeling pretty sweet right now. ah life. lol. the romantics would call it a love story the critics would call it a tradgedy. i guess it all depends on how you look at your glass.

i sit here and stare out the window to my room and i wonder about my glass. i'm not really sure if its half empty or half full... i used to think it was half full but i'm beginning to think maybe my glass just has a crack in it. yea i'm pretty sure. a little crack. so maybe its not what is iside the glass but the actual glass itself. interesting thought i believe. and if my glass has a crack in it.. well then what does that say about me? oh yea i'm all for analyzing myself... i'm more for analyzing others tho. ha aren't we all cynics at heart.

life... i think it is absolutely ridiculous they expect people to know what they want to do with their lives at 18. not everybody does you know. and what are we supposed to do? are we just supposed to pick a profession and just stick withit? i mean college costs money... and lets face it, money doesn't grow on trees for all of us. what do i want to do with the rest of my life? i'm not sure. i love kids. i love to talk and i love to listen. i hate being cooped up inside all day, and i refuse to have some sort of desk job. overall i'm a people person.... for the most part. i love to read and write. sometimes i'm overly confident, sometimes i'm underconfident... sometimes i dont ever know who the real me is. eh but who does know the real them all the time. i would love to be famous and be on tv. ha how abt that huh... interesting. so what do i do with all these cool little facts about myself? unfortunately i can't just snap my fingers and be on tv and make a huge difference... i guess i could go to school for journalism and broadcast. i could be a news anchor. cool eh. i dont know if i could deal with all the early hours tho. maybe i could have my own talk show... be the next oprah. i know i can do anything i put my mind to... but i want to do something i am going to enjoy. career huh. well i have like 2.5 outta 4. i guess thats not bad.

journalism and broadcasting... who knows. not me. it would be fun i think. maybe i'll look into it. until later...

We are bound to do what we must do...

Wed, 30 May 2007 04:01:04 GMT

So i think that i have finally figured it all out. After much deliberation with family and friends... I understand things a little better. Maybe it is that i'm just not that committed to volleyball, perhaps he is just to much of a jerk for me to be that committed... Either way barton does not really hold my academic intrests either. It is better for me to leave now than waste a whole nother year there regardless. I, under the most likely circumstances, will not be returning to barton in the fall. sorry. However, it seems that I wont be going far. PCC. I can go to pcc for two years and obtain a medical degree in sonography or radiation or ekg, nursing, alot of different things. I can pay a whole lot less to go to pcc for two years... and be making a whole lote more than i ever would be teaching. I took medical classes for four years in high school... id ont want to be a nurse but sonography wouldbe fun, or learing about the radiation and mri. I could do that, i coudl enjoy that and have good benefits... not only that but i can get a job almost anywhere with that kind of degree. i wont be that far from barton... only abt thirty minuts. Also i can get it in two years. This also means that i will only be going to school one semester longer than the man of my dreams. Which also means that when he goes out to grad school in cali i can find a job out there for five years... because thats how long he will be in school. This whole situation is beneficial, not just to me but to everyone around me. I love it.

i know what youa re saying, what dont you give me another one eighty turn... but you know thats what life is all about. the twists and the turns... that is why we have to take life moment by moment. never looking ahead, never looking behind. we do the things in life we feel will be most beneficial, not what necessarily we will love doing every day. nobody loves doing everything everyday. most people lead their lives being happy. but nobody is happy all the tie. i believe i have found my happy medium. and in the mean time there is only one last test to pass. i see him tomorrow.

:D

A series of moments that I want to define...

Wed, 30 May 2007 00:03:08 GMT

so maybe I wanted to be a lawyer when i graduated from high school because my dad said 'wow allison you would make a good lawyer, they make good money" and then maybe i decided to change my major at christmas because "teaching has good benefits. vacation time, time with the kids when i have a family. Be good family time" so maybe it is time for me to make a deicion because it is something I want to do. Maybe now i want to go to school for fashion design and marketing because ... who knows maybe I want to do that. Maybe IIII want to design, maybe i want my own boutique, maybe I want to design a line. Maybe for once in my life i am doing something that I want to do. Is that such a crime. Perhaps i've finally seen the light. who knows.

I have to get out of this town. I dont want to be here for the rest of my life. I want to get out. I want to do something with my life. I dont want to be content. I dont want to just go throuhg life and say yes i am content... i'm just going through life making everybody else happy. I want to get up everyday and be happy. I want to have a husband that loves me, a house i help pay for, kids that i love and love me back. and more importantly i want to get up everyday and go to a job i love, and go to work and love what i do... every minute of it. even if its hard work... because everything is hard work.

fashion design. designing clothes, desiging my own line, owning my own store. i would love to won my own store in ny. or buy and sell, or work for a magazine, or work in retail, or deisng for a tv series, red carpet. damn i can do everything, i can do anything i put my mind to..... I can i can i can. I'll do it by myself if I have to but i know i can. I can be great. I will be great. I want to be a fashion designer. I want to do it all, because i know i can and i know i would love it. i know i would. now i just have to convince everyone else i'm serious about this.

i love my life.

When it gets dark you can reach out to me...

Tue, 29 May 2007 01:37:09 GMT

Life I ave found is complicated. It is like a book without an ending and we are each the author. We all deserve to the be hero of our own story dont we? yes i believe so. There are so many twists and turns and we like to believe that we control our life but we dont really do wo... no I dont think so. We dont control the urges we feel, the people we meet, the emotions that overtake us, or the situations we sometimes find ourselves in. The only thing we really control about our lives is the way we react to the inevitable. The only certainaty of life is the fact that no matter what it keeps on happening

I think it is ridiculous they expect you to know what you want to do with the rest of your life at age 18. so many people think they know and go through four years of school and in the end realize they are content with that they do but not trully happy. you have to pursue your passion, your bliss. I've just finished my freshman year of college. I went from political science major, to elementary eduction... and honestly i would be content teaching school for the rest of my life. i would be content. It would be a good profession to choose, especially when it came to family and time i could spend... But who really wants to be just content for the rest of their lives?? nobody i know... maybe the ones who want to be 'safe'. But i wont be that way... I want to be happy, i want to pursue my wildest dreams, to reach my highest goals, to blow out every hole so when the time comes i wont be able to look back and regret and say... i should have done this, i could have done that, or i would have done this under certain circumstances. I want to say I did, I have, and I will. and do I regret a second of it? No. I love fashion. I love everything about it. To write it, to design it, to criticize it, to sell it, to wear it.... everything. Fashion design and marketing... I think it is what i have finally decided on. whoever said college shold only last four years and shoulg cost and arm and a leg was an idiot.

It also sucks that i have finished my first year of college and am desiring to change my major to this because the school i am currently at does not have this program. Which means to change my major is closing one door and opening another. It is leaving my sisters, my best friends, my enemies... every memory i have made and packing them up to move on. That is going to be so hard.

I already thought i had this year planned out. You see i am also dating the man of my dreams. He will be graduating so i wasn't planning on staying after this year but I thought we would have one more year of absolute bliss before we would really be seperated. I thought we would have one more year to be completely happy with each other... together as often as we pleased - only living a few steps from each other. I knew at the end of this year he would be leaving but by then it would be time... He is the love of my life. I know that without a doubt in my mind. I am going to spend the rest of my life with him, he is so supportive. I know that he will support whatever decision it is i choose to make but that doesn't mean it will be easy. Of course it wont. I will be leaving him early instead of the other way around. we wont have an extra year under our belts to hold us together... but i guess that is life. I know that we can make it... i know we can. But it is something we have to sit down and discuss. I know the the final decision will come down to what i want... and i know that he will support me but what does that mean? All my life i have worried about everybody else, how to make everybody else happy, thinking to my future... how to make life comfortable fo rmy family... being content. but what about me being happy... thats important to. but is that selfish? i'm not sure. I love him with all that I am tho, i do know that.

Life is just a series of moments.... black, white, and alot of gray, that we just can't understand....